We here at CCDS guarantee live delivery, and your date
comes with a week's supply of venison jerky and a case of beer.
For whatever reason - be it the occasional failure to bathe or the fact that glass partitions during visiting hours make establishing a relationship difficult - outdoorsmen often find themselves lacking a love life.
I was reminded of this on a recent fishing trip to Lake Wisconsin with my buddy, John. He let it slip between crappies that his girlfriend had just broken up with him.
John is not a quitter, as evidenced by a long-standing relationship with a Madison jeweler who now touts the slogan "Buy Nine Engagement Rings, Get the 10th Free." But I could feel his pain.
He is a sensitive soul for an outdoorsman, and given to whimpering slightly if you set him on fire or beat him about the head with a railroad tie for several minutes.
Right then and there, in Wiegand's Bay on Lake Wisconsin, I resolved to help my friend - and other love-be-reft members of the sporting fraternity - by establishing "Cupid's Compound Dating Service."
You see, since most sportsmen are shy, retiring creatures of the forest, they might have difficulty procuring dates for themselves. But is this any reason to let a perfectly good resource go to waste?
We here at CCDS think not.
By using our service, any women can obtain dates with a serviceable man, though obviously his attractiveness is proportionate to your nearsightedness.
You also assure yourself of a continual supply of lean, healthy venison, and mallard, and pheasant breasts, for the pan. In these days of hormone-ridden beef and salmonella scares, you can't put a price on that.
Dining on overcooked cod and ocean perch billed as "all you can eat" only because you won't be able to finish what's on your plate? Those days will be over forever.
For you, it'll be fresh walleye, lake perch or brook trout with slivered almonds.
With any luck, your date will have cooking abilities himself, and when asked his favorite vintage will not reply, "Old Style".
Of course,our proprietary interviewing process helps separate the top-shelf prospects from the dregs - or the grouse from the crows, if you will.
We at CCDS know that women are reasonable people, and surely you wouldn't begrudge a man a few partridge-hunting trips with his buddies or a week off during the rut. That said, you have every right to expect a man to be home on a somewhat consistent basis. You also have every right to expect him to maybe chip in a little bit when he is home, and not lie on the couch like a slug watching Dream Season for the umpteenth time while you haul laundry up and down stairs.
This is where our interviewing pays dividends.
For example, if a sportsman says he cleaned once - in 1962 - this is cause for concern, and CCDS will note it in his profile. If he says he cleaned once - in 1962- and seeks credit for it as if he was with Patton at The Battle of the Bulge, this raises a serious red flag.
We all have flaws, but a lack of housework motivation coupled with, say, a sporadic employment history and a home brain-training operation equals outright disqualification.
It has been said that a man's home is his castle. But you will potentially be queen of the castle, and don't need a man who will retouch his decoys on the dining room table or spill Hoppe's No. 9 on the newly - refinished wood floors.
We ferret these fellows out, along with those whose idea of an acceptable amount of taxidermy involves the words "Museum of Natural History".
After all, you don't want the flow of positive energy in your home derailed by three deer mounts and a fox skull, cornered by a brown trout replica and finally smothered forever under a moth-eaten bearskin rug he dragged home from a garage sale.
You probably also want a man whose level of fashion-awareness amounts to more than "Have you seen my good flannel shirt?"
Our rigorous selection process ensures that not only will your sporting date own a suit purchased in this century, he will also ear it to more than just weddings and funerals and will never, ever use his ties as gun-cleaning rags.
We'd like you to give us a try. We even offer a money-back guarantee: if you're ever dissatisfied - for any reason - we guarantee you will not be able to find us and will thus never be able to get your money back.
We here at CCDS guarantee live delivery, and your date comes with a week's supply of venison jerky and a case of beer.
We suggest upending the shipping crate in a dark corner to let your sportsman become accustomed to his surroundings before you attempt approaching him, as he may be somewhat agitated.
Who knows, ladies, maybe you'll even be lucky enough to end up with my friend John.
He is a very hard worker, and is liable to help with the housework, if not to take it over outright. He is also an amusing fellow, though one with rather inflated opinions of his abilities as a hunter and fisherman.
Oh and ladies?
If you do end up with John, don't worry about that persistent odor. It's like living next to paper mill: After awhile, you almost don't even notice it.