“What’s Your Sign, Bro?” The Stars and Planets Forecast Your Fishing Future

     Hi, I’m Kurt Helker, Astrologer to the Not-So-Famous. By now, of course, you are well aware of who the new President of the United States of America is. But as I write this column the presidential election is a mere few weeks away. Both candidates are issuing calls for sacrifice, hard work, and vision in order to make this great country of ours a better place to live in.
     What a load of utter hooey.
     Initiative, talent, responsibility, and luck, or the lack of it, don’t mean a thing in making us who we are. Just as the Solunar Tables forecast the activity of fish and game, so does the movement of astrological bodies in relation to when we were born forecast our fate.
     “Wait a minute,” I hear you say. “If you’re such a good astrologer, didn’t you already know who the next President would be when you wrote this column?”
     Well, not exactly. As an astrologer, I deal in generalities so vague they can neither be proven nor disproven. I am not about to sully my reputation by doing something so useful as predicting the winner of an election, or telling you the winning lottery ticket number as you stand in line at the convenience store. However, I am more than willing to tell you exactly how your 2009 fishing season will pan out, and I suspect that’s really what you’re interested in. Following is a customized Fishing Horoscope just for the readers of Wisconsin Outdoor Journal. Read on to discover your fishing future.

Aries—You are assertive, brave, energetic, and kind. Your bravery will serve you well as you save your garage from being entirely destroyed by a fire originating in a turkey fryer. Unfortunately, your stubbornness, which manifests itself in a refusal to ever read directions, will cause the fire.
     You are ruled by the planet Mars. This explains not only your frequently unorthodox fishing techniques, such as using a buzzbait for March walleyes below the DePere Dam, but also the large cylindrical shiny object in your backyard.

Taurus--  Your thrifty nature will enable you to weather the tough economic times ahead. It will also enable your daughter to be the first in your family to obtain a graduate degree. Unfortunately, you will not be on hand to see it. Your insistence on purchasing nightcrawlers in half-dozen increments will earn the ire of bait dealers across Wisconsin, and you will be handcuffed to a Minocqua minnow tank until the age of seventy-five.

Gemini--  If you were born under this sign, you are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. This makes you almost uniquely qualified for life as a Boy Scout.

Greg Sczymanski--  This is an exceedingly rare sign. During the upcoming winter, you will refrain from blowing the snow from your driveway directly against the side of your neighbor’s house. And you will show appreciation for your neighbor’s donations of bluegill fillets by delivering to him, every month without fail, a case of beer. Good imported stuff, too; none of that cheap discount tripe.

Cancer--  In keeping with the symbol for this sign, the crab, you will continue to rely almost entirely on crayfish imitations in your angling endeavors. This will serve you well on the reefs of Door County, and around Governor’s Island on Lake Mendota. It will not serve you so well as you jig for bluegills through the ice on Shawano Lake.


Virgo--  You are industrious and efficient. However, a home mealworm farm is not conducive to maintaining a harmonious marital relationship. Your refusal to remove it will result in a trial separation and, possibly, a restraining order.

Libra--  Gosh, you’re awesome. It seems impossible, but you grow even more handsome each day. You will continue to be hounded by good-looking women seeking only to bask in the glow of your greatness. In a land of good fishermen your reputation as an angling god only gains luster.

Scorpio--  You are passionate and secretive. Unfortunately, not secretive enough, as your wife will find out about the excursion to that place advertising “Girls! Girls! Girls!” after your opening-day fishing is concluded on the Turtle-Flambeau Flowage. You will next be allowed out of the house on May 11, 2012.

Sagittarius--  If you were born under this sign, you are extroverted and optimistic. Unfortunately, you tend to be a bit careless. A fillet knife accident at an Algoma fish-cleaning station this fall will land you at Bellin Hospital in Green Bay for a week, where you will subsist on chipped beef-on-toast. Your know-it-all attitude will wear on your nurses, and they will retaliate by ensuring that your television receives only the Oxygen and Home Shopping Network channels.

Capricorn--  Normally, you are a prudent soul, which will make this summer’s stinkbait incident even more puzzling. You know that warning reading “Not for Human Consumption”? They mean it.
Aquarius--  You will be lucky in love this year. I realize that forecasts such as this are usually the province of TV psychics who could never make a living if they said things like, “Spinster” is a very valid choice these days.” But I am an astrologer, not a huckster, so I will offer this advice. When she says she enjoys long walks on the beach and trips to exotic locales, she does not mean that she wants to follow dutifully in your footsteps on a surfcasting trip to North Carolina’s Outer Banks, doling out mullet heads while being assaulted by chiggers.

Pisces--  It’s no coincidence that your sign is that of the fish. You will have an outstanding upcoming season. Not only will limits of walleyes be the norm wherever you fish, whether Winnebago or Castle Rock or Lac Vieux Desert, but you will also nab the biggest glassy-eye of your life. Even your mistakes won’t cost you, as the frayed line you will never get around to changing before a trip to Butternut Lake will only break when a 50-inch muskie is in the net. In fact, the only way your season could be better is if you had been born a Libra.
 
  Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed your horoscope. Don’t be surprised if I meet you at a landing this summer and, like a guy delivering a cheesy line to a pretty girl at bartime, ask for your sign.
     Bet you can’t guess mine.